The Yellow Ghost

On a ordinary Monday morning, Tim who was only ten went for a walk into the woods. When Tim was in the woods he discovered there was a deep ,dark, gloomy cave underneath the ground.

When Tim was entering the cave there was some glass on the cave floor. Tim had to gingerly step across the glass. However Tim found a yellow,  bright thing on the other side of the cave it was quite remarkable. The thing was a yellow, gluey, sticky ghost.

Tim was scared when he discovered the ghost, the ghost then ate him and Tim became a ghost with him.

By Olivia

3 thoughts on “The Yellow Ghost”

  1. Hi Olivia,
    I like how you have set this 100 word challenge out.Also, instead of keeping put Tim. I like how you have put in the words as well. Maybe next time, you could have put a comma next to ‘…who was only ten…’.
    From Amie, 6D
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    http://ribbledriveprimary.net/year62016/

  2. Hi Olivia, I liked how you did your grammar better than the average Gr.5 and you had good ideas. One thing you have to remember, if you are doing a paragraph or speech, you have to catch people’s attention in the first 7 seconds or they will not listen. Keep it up and take these comments into consideration. Good job Olivia!

  3. Dear Olivia,
    I love your use of adjectives, particularly the word gloomy! I think that you set the scene of the woods very well. Be careful of your sentence length, remember to put some commas in if it is too long. The best way to test is by reading your work out loud and then seeing if you get out of breath or if its a mouthful, just find a sensible place to put your comma in after doing this. Also instead of the word thing, maybe think of a better word that still keeps the suspense of the ghost. I love the fact that you have used the woods in your story.

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